Being a soccer fan in the United States is a recipe for relationship destruction. Focusing on just European football is manageable. If you just like watching MLS, that’s also workable. But let’s just assume that you’re a greedy bastard like me. You want it all. Well that’s just a logistical nightmare. It’s like inviting a close friend to live with you and your significant other. Anyone who partakes in cohabitation knows that additional long-term roommates are out of the question unless you are consciously trying to sabotage your relationship. Let me explain how we do it on this side of the pond.
On Saturdays, on the east coast of our new socialist nation, we wake up around 9am to begin our soccer day. That’s if the game we want to watch is included in our cable package. Then we can just roll out of bed and stagger over to the couch. But for matches that are not included in our overpriced cable packages, we need to head to our local for a fine makeshift breakfast of some form of liquid and whatever limited nourishment the establishment serves. There is a 9:30-ish match and then usually a 12:30pm match if you’re an English Premier League fan (daylight savings not included).
Let’s assume that we also watch Serie A. We’re now watching afternoon Italian matches. There are only so many excuses that one can make for sitting indoors when it’s “such a beautiful day outside,” but some of us continue to make them.
Now, for us MLS fans, we’ve got the evening kickoffs. So by the time we’ve consumed a Saturday’s worth of football, it’s dark outside, but we’re now focusing on our domestic league, watching intently like we’re babysitting the television. If you have a child, you know that you should always keep your eye on your child. Yes, I’m drawing parallels between children and televisions.
By now you must have come to the rational conclusion that no relationship can sustain this madness, and I haven’t even mentioned Sunday EPL and La Liga matches or the prospect of actually enjoying one of our nation’s four other major sports. Being a soccer fan in the United States is a recipe for being single. I guess that’s why so many of us are forced to turn to our support system, Big Soccer, if we’re to maintain any sense of normalcy at home.
So let me ask the question that will address the elephant in the room: Who are the real football fans, England? The dedicated masses on this side of the pond are willing to wake up early to destroy relationships in order to watch the game we love. What are you willing to ruin for such long periods of time?
Trust me, when the U.S. beats you on June 12 in Rustenburg, you’ll have nothing left on us. We are the dedicated ones.
We’ll let you keep rugby for now. Your turn England.