Go overboard with the banter? Not culturally acclimated yet? Have teammates who uncomfortably and mistakenly think they are “down” with the people? Too old and weary of getting caught using antiquated words like “colored” or “boy” at the workplace?

Well, we’ve got a product for you.

Racism Insurance! The empowering, 21st century solution for the casual racist and prolific offender.

I know what you’re thinking. “Brilliant! Tell me more!”

Here’s how it works. You pay monthly premiums for your insurance, just like you would for car insurance. Except, you’ll be preparing for a different type of car wreck.

Pay no mind as we put the premiums into an account for short periods of time, and then bundle the premiums and sell them to institutional investors, who will repeat the process. We’ll worry about all that. No need to worry if there will actually be money on hand to pay out. That’s none of your concern. That’s our promise to you.

So what do you get? Simple. Peace of mind and limited liability.

You’ll know that an innocuous, insensitive slip up will not carpet bomb your life. We guarantee you’ll be able to sleep every night while our team of fixers, schooled in the art of credibility reconstruction, handle those who need to be handled. We know exactly who to confuse and how to confuse them. Accused of making a racist remark? We’ll march out a team of appropriately colored people to prove you’re no racist. In no time you’ll have black grandparents (which presumably, at least in one-drop countries, means you have a black parent), cousins, friends, co-workers, and, if need be, even a loose affiliation with a former rap group’s backup dancers. Your street cred will never be higher. For a small additional fee, we also provide dance lessons.

But there’s more!

No more cowering or biting your tongue. Liberate yourself, knowing you can drop as many “black c*nts,” “camel jockeys,” or other wildly creative slurs as you want. All because of the peace of mind that comes with your new racism insurance. Picking up a five match suspension? Well, flash your insurance card at your hearing, and don’t remember to flash those pearly whites for the paparazzi on your way out! We’ve already worked out arrangements with several top leagues. We have a crew of immigrants on stand by in various countries who will step in and serve suspensions while you continue playing!

Need t-shirts printed with your face and the word “free” on it? We have partnerships with some of the most progressive and stylish child labor camps in the world.

All this, for the same low premium!

So how do you get started? Great question.

Step 1: Shop online for a plan that fits your level of racism. Employers can subsidize costs if they have particularly problematic players. That’s right, group rates are available for both club teams and national sides! But this can be affordable for individuals as well. How will you know if this is the product for you or an employee? Start by asking two simple questions: (1) “When enraged, how low is [insured] likely to go on the verbal abuse scale?” And don’t be shy! (2) How much damage will being called a racist do to your career?

Step 2: Enter your information.* Your rate is not final until we receive a complete application. You will need to provide us with:

• Every address since you emerged from the womb.
• Native language
• Additional languages (including level of proficiency)
• Nationality
• The names and numbers of every person of not your color in your cell phone.
• The last 10 albums you’ve bought, and the percentage of lyrics you have memorized.

*Obviously, none of this information will be used in calculating your premiums.

Step 3: LET THE VERBAL ABUSE BEGIN!

The benefits are clear. No more stressing about saying how you really feel during those intense, intimate moments.

Product not available in Somalia, Luxembourg, and certain parts of Boston.

Coming Soon: Prone to slander the ladies? Enjoy the occasional Andy Gray/Richard Keys moment? Sick of not being able to oppress on the fly? Of course you are! Well you will enjoy our sexism insurance, hitting the market in 2Q 2012. Job security while belittling others is back, and better than ever. It’ll be just like the 1950s all over again.

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Related posts:

1. Racism in Italian Football Causes Team to Abandon Match
2. The Evra vs. Suarez Racism Extravaganza: When Clubs React and Shouldn’t
3. Paradoo Wins the Right to Host 2018 World Cup

We Americans love rankings. We rank players, candidates, movies, schools, entrepreneurs, dogs, horses, etc. We just can’t get enough.

Over the last few years, we’ve also grown to love discussing how several dual, or potentially dual, citizens should fit into the US pool. With this discussion in mind, particularly after today’s conversations about “the immigration problem,” we’ve decided to introduce Americanness rankings, basically measuring how much players love freedom and which players we need to phone tap. Semi-delayed, these ratings come after the US match against Slovenia, and are presented on a scale of 1-10. A “1” means we should seriously look at deportation/imprisonment, and a “10” identifies a player who basically bleeds freedom from his ears.

Let’s get started.

***

Starters

GK – Tim Howard, 6: Born in New Jersey to American parents, Howard seemingly is a 10. But then again, there has to be a discount considering much of his family on his father’s side is, and was, African-American. That means a pre-emanicpation 3/5 of a human being valuation (per person, of course) was involved at a point in the not to distant past. Since all forefather intent is apparently good these days, it seems ridiculous to leave out these values from the rankings. Using today’s exchange rate, I’ve discounted Howard one point. But he should still stand with his head held high with a 9, that is until he gets a further three-point deduction for spending too much time in Liverpool. And by born to American parents, I mean born to an American father and a Hungarian mother. Details, details. He gets off lightly for good on-the-field performances. You can skew the facts when you like someone.

D – Steve Cherundolo, 5: Cherundolo has spent a lot of time in Germany. We’re led to believe that he spends most of his time with his club team, Hannover 96 (a team he captains), but one can only play soccer and engage in club-related activities for so many hours during the season. So what else has Cherundolo been up to? I’ve seen Hogan’s Heroes and am weary about his close relationships with Germans.

D – Clarence Goodson, 6: Goodson left MLS to join Norwegian club IK Start, and has since left to join Brøndby, a signficant Danish club. He is now Brøndby’s captain. Like Cherundolo, Goodson’s assumption of responsibilities over a group of foreign players should raise concerns, unless, of course, he works for NATO. And he doesn’t. Goodson isn’t discounted as much as Cherundolo because he hasn’t been studying abroad as long. But he’s pushing it.

D – Carlos Bocanegra, 4: Don’t let the US captaincy detract from his decidedly un-American name. If he was a real American leader, he would change his name to Charles Blackmouth. Still, congratulations, I suppose, are in order for reaching 100 caps. Bueno.

D – Timmy Chandler, 1: Don’t let the name fool you. Regardless of whether Chandler plays right back or left back, Chandler is still as German as Rob from Milli Vanili, which should raise a bright, red flag to McCarthy levels. Chandler was born and raised in Germany. No, not Germany, Rhode Island (which may or may not exist), but Germany, the state in the country of Europe. That’s German of Hasselhoff proportions. If this was a Knight Rider episode, Kitt would be ejecting somebody out of a seat.

M – Michael Bradley, 8: What a name. He’s got the lifetime passport, the look, and did I mention the name? Michael Bradley, a quintessentially American name that could only be the result of a bald eagle and Mt. Rushmore mating. Smells like Anglo-Saxon, doesn’t it, which my Latin training tells me is a name derived from the mean streets of Princeton, New Jersey. Two-point deduction for spending an inordinate amount of time on the old continent.

M – Fabian Johnson, 1: See Timmy Chandler.

M – Kyle Beckerman, 6: Trying to look Jamaican? You’re supposed to cut those after you get back from Spring Break in Negril. You aren’t fooling anyone, bredren (that’s brethren for those of you who don’t speak Jamaican). From what my non-research tells me, Beckerman doesn’t even have a proper sound system. Bloodclot. But ol’ Peace Corps hair has to get some credit for playing stateside, in Salt Lake City for that matter. He’s either deep, deep undercover, or, as I suspect, an American sympathizer.

M – Clint Dempsey, 6: Although rap music is now officially mainstream, it still has a taste of … how do you say it … urban these days. Such is the conundrum that is Clint Dempsey. On one hand, his penchant for flare suggests he enjoys hanging out with foreigners who wear scarves and tie sweaters around their necks. But then again, he did create a piece of “music” entitled Don’t Tread [On Me]. I want to deduct points for playing in Europe, but we all know he plays in England, which by all accounts is not Europe. He gets the benefit of the doubt for now, but keep an eye on him.

F – Jozy Altidore, 3: If Altidore was Cuban, perhaps. But he comes from a Haitian family. And our immigration policy towards Haiti kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? (Read: suspect.) Perhaps if he was Cuban his mere presence would be enough to avoid suspicion. But he’s Haitian, and policy is policy. Um, America is full. We’re … um … not taking any additional reservations.

F – Edson Buddle, 7: As of November 17, 2011, Buddle’s Wikipedia page informs me that he invented the bicycle kick and defeated the Nazis. It’s on Wikipedia, so I believe it. Perhaps we should be skeptical since Buddle now collects his paycheck in Germany, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt because of his heroic exploits during World War II. He’s probably spying on them.

Substitutes

M – Maurice Edu, 4: Because Edu’s parents are from Ghana (English translation: Nigeria) rather than America, Edu doesn’t fall to the 3/5 discount (as adjusted). But then again, there’s the Ghanaian thing. For that we deduct four points. And considering your motherland beat us at the 2010 World Cup, that’s another point. Playing in Europe … oh, I’m sorry … Scotland? Another point.

M – Brek Shea, 5: There’s something very European about Shea’s chosen hairdos. He paints and likes Lil Wayne. I don’t know what else we need to know. He’s basically Che Guevara. Shea is currently training abroad at Arsenal and will probably come back to FC Dallas after he completes being trained in Euro-think. Typical revolutionary behavior. Going off to learn from the foreigners and then coming back as if his mind won’t be warped by all that Euro-thinking. As Elmer Fudd almost said, “Be vewy, vewy careful about training under Arsene Wenger.”

M – Robbie Rogers, 10: Like Michael Bradley, Robbie Rogers is the stuff of forefathers, although at times, it looks as if he got into the national team through an affirmative action program. What? Too soon? For centuries, scores of brown-on-brown parents have been trying to create a child that looks like Robbie Rogers. Basically, I’m saying he looks trustworthy. Add the fact that he been in MLS his entire career, and I think we’ve found our real captain.

D/M – Danny Williams, -1: The German-born and raised Williams instantly felt connected to the United States when he visited Miami earlier this year. It was love at first sight. After his visit, he “felt so connected to this nation that [he] knew what [he] wanted to do.” With that kind of reasoning, I’m glad he didn’t go to Cancun for Spring Break. He’d be playing for Mexico. Somehow. Also, see Timmy Chandler.

M – Jermaine Jones, 1: See Timmy Chandler, Fabian Johnson and Danny Williams. That.

Coach

Jurgen Klinsmann, 0.5: He lives in America. His wife is American. His kids are American. Said another way, Klinsmann is German, and there’s video to prove it. He actually received a 1.0 for his performance, but there was a 0.5 deduction for turning the job down during the last cycle, as if he had something better to do. If I could give him a negative number, I would, but then he would be on point system welfare, and we don’t need to add another name to the welfare rolls.

Conclusion

In order to be the best America we can be, we must ensure that we can out American all other potential Americans. We have some work to do America. Three cheers for freedom.

Related posts:

1. Free Giuseppe Rossi: Support For An Italian International As American As Pizza
2. USA vs. England – An Ode to the U.S. Soccer Community
3. It’s Official: Final U.S. Men’s National Team World Cup Roster Announced

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKtUEeB8Q-4

You know we love the dancing. Sometimes it’s beautiful, other times it’s fantastically awkward, which frankly often holds its own special kind of beauty. Take a look. You be the judge. I promise it doesn’t end with Adebayor having to apologize for something. Or does it …

Follow Nutmeg Radio on Twitter and Facebook!

Related posts:

1. Dancing with U.S. Soccer: A Gentleman’s History of the Stanky Legg and a Look to the Future
2. Dancing with U.S. Soccer: A Gentleman’s History of Bogling and Boon-Boo-Ree featuring Juan Agudelo, Teal Bunbury & Pablo Ramirez
3. Nutmeg Radio Mixtape No. 2: The Ginger Rewind feat. Alexi Lalas

www.youtube.com/watch?v=puPi1vptWW8

Didier Drogba joins his buddies from Magic System once again. This time the guys take it to the Skyrock studios in Paris. If you can’t get enough of this, try on the full Magic System video featuring Drogba and his Ivorian teammates. You are sure to recognize a few faces.  

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2. Dear Bill Maher, If Sarah Palin Is Influential, So Is Didier Drogba
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“This idea that you throw everything away and you start over again. And I thought, when you’re done telling jokes about airplanes and dogs and you throw those away, what do you have left? You can only dig deeper and start talking about your feelings and who you are. And then you do those jokes and they’re gone. You gotta dig deeper. So then you start thinking about your fears and your nightmares and doing jokes about that, and then they’re gone. And then you start going into weird shit and eventually get to your balls. It’s a process that I’ve watched him do my whole life and I started to try to do it, and I started to think, he says whatever he wants, what am I trying to say?”

- Louis CK

www.youtube.com/watch?v=R37zkizucPU

Spending months writing about possible transfers that never happen might put you in a similar place. You never know, maybe you have something more relevant and personal to say.

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Every now and again, you are rewarded for carrying around video recording capability.

Photographer and designer Paul Octavious was taking a stroll through the park. Unsurprisingly, there was a soccer game going on. So he decided to record. Turns out, he later found out that the team he was taping was the Ghanaian National Team.

Whether or not this actually is THE Ghanaian national team is a side issue. Many of us soccer folk have been told crazier stories by people claiming to be members of, or affiliated with, various national teams. The point is, this is a beautifully shot and edited video.

You can check out more of Octavious’ non-soccer work here, and then watch this over and over again. I can’t stop.

(H/T to @jellenp for putting us on.)

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Related posts:

1. Fog On The Tyne: The Paul Gascoigne Story
2. Barcelona Is More Than Messi: Nutmeg Radio’s Q & A with Ghana’s Keta Sandlanders
3. World Cup-Inspired Art – Paul Goodnight

www.youtube.com/watch?v=76iWe7pqqbI

Ah, soccer short films. Can’t get enough of ‘em, right? Actually, yeah, I haven’t seen very many of them either. But have no fear, we have a wonderfully crafted soccer short about a referee, a red card, a yellow card, and a series of decisions. And it’s hilarious.

Brought to you by Michael Mercy of Armchair Directors.

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Related posts:

1. Nutmeg Radio’s Interview with The Two Escobars Co-Director Michael Zimbalist – Part I
2. Nutmeg Radio’s Interview with The Two Escobars Co-Director Michael Zimbalist – Part II
3. Watch the Narco-Soccer Documentary “The Two Escobars” on ESPN

Hands in everything, that David Beckham.

David Beckham, who you might remember from Manchester United, underwear, Real Madrid, adidas Predator commercials, Posh Spice, underwear, the LA Galaxy, Landon Donovan beef, The Beckham Experiment by Grant Wahl, cologne, tattoos, underwear, England’s 2018 World Cup bid, AC Milan, a close friendship with Gary Neville, various hairstyles, underwear, and, of course, the film Bend It Like Beckham (although he was never in it), is getting ready to give you something else to remember him by, in 1800 stores in 40 different countries.

Damn, son, is right.

Beckham will be launching a clothing line with H&M in February 2012. Are there any items to see? Nope. Not yet. But we do know that his new “bodywear” line (whatever that is) will include underwear. Of course, it will.

Bodywear? Where else would you wear anything other than on your body? Whatever happened to clothes? I digress.

Anyway, the man is an empire. He can call it goatwear if he so chooses.

Right, I almost forgot. Beckham’s bodywear line will be launching with H&M to coincide with Valentine’s Day. That’s a good call. I’m sure men around the world will be looking forward to getting their hands on Beckham’s bodywear in time for Valentine’s Day 2012. Um … yeah.

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Related posts:

1. Maybe We Should Just Give David Beckham Everything
2. Is Landon Donovan Trying To Bend It Like Beckham?