Category Archives: Satire

Norton motorcycle

The Joey Barton Chronicles: Part I (The Decision)

It’s 1999.

Fresh out of medical school, a young Joey Barton is pondering life’s big questions. Using his medical degree is important, but he feels a higher calling.

Shaped by legends of freedom fighters, Joey knows that the pursuit of a conventional medical practice would leave him feeling empty. So he decides to fix his rickety motorcycle and cruise around South America. There is no itinerary, no ultimate physical destination. Joey’s destination is a spiritual one. The goal: to find his place, to align his moral compass with his training and ultimately discover an inspired direction. Continue reading

Audience

Welcome to the National Soccer League

The National Football League is dying.

For decades, the ever-lucrative NFL has been the big draw in American sports. Team owners rarely worry about losing audiences. TV deals consistently are renewed for amounts of money that are hard for the average Joe and Josephine Six-Pack to comprehend. The NFL is well aware that the general public has been reared on a steady diet of American throw-ball and is conditioned to need it. We need American football like we need reality television and super-sized portions of anything resembling food.

That’s what they think.

The smugness floating around the owners booths projects an unwavering confidence that their iron grip on the throats of the American sporting audience will continue unimpeded for eternity. But the NFL didn’t see this coming.

Welcome to the National Soccer League (NSL), the new, North American soccer league poised to end the NFL’s tenure as America’s heartbeat. To call this a magical moment in the world of sports would be a massive understatement. This is going to be transformative. People are probably going to get injured just from the press releases. Continue reading

Vigilance

Paradoo 2018: Be Vigilant, Pale-Skinned People

It’s been a while since I’ve written about Paradoo at Nutmeg Radio. That’s largely because I’ve been occupied with filming a pilot for Oprah’s network about a man who loves Oprah so much, he gives away his wife’s possessions by hiding them under strangers’ chairs (without her knowledge, of course). Somehow, I don’t think the pilot will get picked up. But then again, I thought the same thing about Footballers’ Wives and Footballers’ Husbands and Footballers’ Half-Cousins and Footballers’ Grandparents. So far, I’m batting well below .500  when it comes to judging TV success, but that’s a story for another time. Continue reading

The Anti-Xavi Interview with Robbie Savage

After the venerable Sid Lowe’s interview with Barcelona and Spain maestro Xavi, Robbie Savage decided to sit down with our Clive Longbottom-Fellow, Esq. to give another view about how football should be played. All this took place in a parallel universe. Robbie shared his thoughts on Blackburn’s dominance under Sam Allardyce, his footballing philosophy, Blackburn’s Champions League loss to Barcelona, and Lee Bowyer’s stunning move to the Catalan giants. Continue reading

Paradoo Wins the Right to Host 2018 World Cup

Paradoo Map

Not even Fox News can spin Paradoo’s challenging history of conflict, closed markets, government intervention, and social strife.

But that Paradoo of old has evaporated. The new Paradoo has liberalized its markets and embraced economic mobility. Paradoo is now a country reveling in many of its new found freedoms. It is now a place where everyone can feel comfortable. That is, everyone except white people.

In a recent survey of white residents of Paradoo City, Paradoo’s not-very-cosmopolitan capital, 60% of respondents said that they had been physically assaulted, while 80% of white residents claimed to have been victims of verbal racial abuse.

Even if these numbers are halved, it’s hard to deny that a problem exists. Half of 60 and 80% is still a whole lot of physical and verbal abuse. Continue reading