We Americans love rankings. We rank players, candidates, movies, schools, entrepreneurs, dogs, horses, etc. We just can’t get enough.

Over the last few years, we’ve also grown to love discussing how several dual, or potentially dual, citizens should fit into the US pool. With this discussion in mind, particularly after today’s conversations about “the immigration problem,” we’ve decided to introduce Americanness rankings, basically measuring how much players love freedom and which players we need to phone tap. Semi-delayed, these ratings come after the US match against Slovenia, and are presented on a scale of 1-10. A “1” means we should seriously look at deportation/imprisonment, and a “10” identifies a player who basically bleeds freedom from his ears.

Let’s get started.

***

Starters

GK – Tim Howard, 6: Born in New Jersey to American parents, Howard seemingly is a 10. But then again, there has to be a discount considering much of his family on his father’s side is, and was, African-American. That means a pre-emanicpation 3/5 of a human being valuation (per person, of course) was involved at a point in the not to distant past. Since all forefather intent is apparently good these days, it seems ridiculous to leave out these values from the rankings. Using today’s exchange rate, I’ve discounted Howard one point. But he should still stand with his head held high with a 9, that is until he gets a further three-point deduction for spending too much time in Liverpool. And by born to American parents, I mean born to an American father and a Hungarian mother. Details, details. He gets off lightly for good on-the-field performances. You can skew the facts when you like someone.

D – Steve Cherundolo, 5: Cherundolo has spent a lot of time in Germany. We’re led to believe that he spends most of his time with his club team, Hannover 96 (a team he captains), but one can only play soccer and engage in club-related activities for so many hours during the season. So what else has Cherundolo been up to? I’ve seen Hogan’s Heroes and am weary about his close relationships with Germans.

D – Clarence Goodson, 6: Goodson left MLS to join Norwegian club IK Start, and has since left to join Brøndby, a signficant Danish club. He is now Brøndby’s captain. Like Cherundolo, Goodson’s assumption of responsibilities over a group of foreign players should raise concerns, unless, of course, he works for NATO. And he doesn’t. Goodson isn’t discounted as much as Cherundolo because he hasn’t been studying abroad as long. But he’s pushing it.

D – Carlos Bocanegra, 4: Don’t let the US captaincy detract from his decidedly un-American name. If he was a real American leader, he would change his name to Charles Blackmouth. Still, congratulations, I suppose, are in order for reaching 100 caps. Bueno.

D – Timmy Chandler, 1: Don’t let the name fool you. Regardless of whether Chandler plays right back or left back, Chandler is still as German as Rob from Milli Vanili, which should raise a bright, red flag to McCarthy levels. Chandler was born and raised in Germany. No, not Germany, Rhode Island (which may or may not exist), but Germany, the state in the country of Europe. That’s German of Hasselhoff proportions. If this was a Knight Rider episode, Kitt would be ejecting somebody out of a seat.

M – Michael Bradley, 8: What a name. He’s got the lifetime passport, the look, and did I mention the name? Michael Bradley, a quintessentially American name that could only be the result of a bald eagle and Mt. Rushmore mating. Smells like Anglo-Saxon, doesn’t it, which my Latin training tells me is a name derived from the mean streets of Princeton, New Jersey. Two-point deduction for spending an inordinate amount of time on the old continent.

M – Fabian Johnson, 1: See Timmy Chandler.

M – Kyle Beckerman, 6: Trying to look Jamaican? You’re supposed to cut those after you get back from Spring Break in Negril. You aren’t fooling anyone, bredren (that’s brethren for those of you who don’t speak Jamaican). From what my non-research tells me, Beckerman doesn’t even have a proper sound system. Bloodclot. But ol’ Peace Corps hair has to get some credit for playing stateside, in Salt Lake City for that matter. He’s either deep, deep undercover, or, as I suspect, an American sympathizer.

M – Clint Dempsey, 6: Although rap music is now officially mainstream, it still has a taste of … how do you say it … urban these days. Such is the conundrum that is Clint Dempsey. On one hand, his penchant for flare suggests he enjoys hanging out with foreigners who wear scarves and tie sweaters around their necks. But then again, he did create a piece of “music” entitled Don’t Tread [On Me]. I want to deduct points for playing in Europe, but we all know he plays in England, which by all accounts is not Europe. He gets the benefit of the doubt for now, but keep an eye on him.

F – Jozy Altidore, 3: If Altidore was Cuban, perhaps. But he comes from a Haitian family. And our immigration policy towards Haiti kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? (Read: suspect.) Perhaps if he was Cuban his mere presence would be enough to avoid suspicion. But he’s Haitian, and policy is policy. Um, America is full. We’re … um … not taking any additional reservations.

F – Edson Buddle, 7: As of November 17, 2011, Buddle’s Wikipedia page informs me that he invented the bicycle kick and defeated the Nazis. It’s on Wikipedia, so I believe it. Perhaps we should be skeptical since Buddle now collects his paycheck in Germany, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt because of his heroic exploits during World War II. He’s probably spying on them.

Substitutes

M – Maurice Edu, 4: Because Edu’s parents are from Ghana (English translation: Nigeria) rather than America, Edu doesn’t fall to the 3/5 discount (as adjusted). But then again, there’s the Ghanaian thing. For that we deduct four points. And considering your motherland beat us at the 2010 World Cup, that’s another point. Playing in Europe … oh, I’m sorry … Scotland? Another point.

M – Brek Shea, 5: There’s something very European about Shea’s chosen hairdos. He paints and likes Lil Wayne. I don’t know what else we need to know. He’s basically Che Guevara. Shea is currently training abroad at Arsenal and will probably come back to FC Dallas after he completes being trained in Euro-think. Typical revolutionary behavior. Going off to learn from the foreigners and then coming back as if his mind won’t be warped by all that Euro-thinking. As Elmer Fudd almost said, “Be vewy, vewy careful about training under Arsene Wenger.”

M – Robbie Rogers, 10: Like Michael Bradley, Robbie Rogers is the stuff of forefathers, although at times, it looks as if he got into the national team through an affirmative action program. What? Too soon? For centuries, scores of brown-on-brown parents have been trying to create a child that looks like Robbie Rogers. Basically, I’m saying he looks trustworthy. Add the fact that he been in MLS his entire career, and I think we’ve found our real captain.

D/M – Danny Williams, -1: The German-born and raised Williams instantly felt connected to the United States when he visited Miami earlier this year. It was love at first sight. After his visit, he “felt so connected to this nation that [he] knew what [he] wanted to do.” With that kind of reasoning, I’m glad he didn’t go to Cancun for Spring Break. He’d be playing for Mexico. Somehow. Also, see Timmy Chandler.

M – Jermaine Jones, 1: See Timmy Chandler, Fabian Johnson and Danny Williams. That.

Coach

Jurgen Klinsmann, 0.5: He lives in America. His wife is American. His kids are American. Said another way, Klinsmann is German, and there’s video to prove it. He actually received a 1.0 for his performance, but there was a 0.5 deduction for turning the job down during the last cycle, as if he had something better to do. If I could give him a negative number, I would, but then he would be on point system welfare, and we don’t need to add another name to the welfare rolls.

Conclusion

In order to be the best America we can be, we must ensure that we can out American all other potential Americans. We have some work to do America. Three cheers for freedom.

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John Terry, a man you may know from Bridgegate and Tour-for-moneygate, is now back in the limelight in the latest episode of England Captaingate.

England manager Fabio Capello has reinstated his former captain as England’s new temporary-permanent captain, replacing the injured Rio Ferdinand in what can only be described as a Capello-esque manner. The decision, like all of Capello’s now trademark decisions, has been everything but straight-forward and has sparked heated debates about the merits of Terry’s reappointment as captain. But does it matter who sports the elastic armband for England? Probably not.

Injuries aside, players who have captained Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester United all suit up for England. Add to the mix, Wayne Rooney, Frank Lampard and Ashley Cole, and you can hardly say that England is a team devoid of leaders. Devoid of role models, maybe, but certainly not devoid of people with experience exchanging flowers and pennants before games, shaking hands, leading other highly-paid, grown men on walks out of tunnels, smiling at dignitaries, indiscriminately cursing at referees, and speaking at press conferences.

Yet from the media coverage surrounding the England captaincy, you might think that England’s deficiencies on the field are down to a lack of leadership. It’s a puzzling framing of England’s problems that doesn’t quite match up with reality.

Judging purely on form over the last several years, England is a team that consistently suffers from a lack of dynamism and competence, not on-the-field leadership, per se. Looking at their run up to Euro 2008 and the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, England’s glaring failures were largely a function of flawed tactics and inadequate personnel, albeit with a touch of refereeing intervention. It wasn’t leadership that stole England’s cutting edge in the final third; that would fall on former manager Steve McClaren, Capello, and a list of midfielders and forwards too lengthy to mention here. Leadership wasn’t at fault for goalkeeping errors; for that, you would look to Robert Green, Scott Carson and Paul Robinson (and if you want to go back further, there’s David “Calamity” James). Leadership also wasn’t to blame for team selection or leaving Theo Walcott at home; for that, you can’t look beyond Capello, who has since admitted that he made an error in leaving Young Theo at home. But sadly, in spite of all these realities, leadership has become the de facto red herring that continues to shift attention away from England’s very real weaknesses.

To make matters worse, the media’s coverage of Captaingate isn’t even really about leadership; rather, it’s mostly about an armband, soccer’s functional equivalent to the royal family. By now, the symbolism is unmistakable. We’re supposed to show the utmost respect to the honorable armband, but really, deep down, we’re all wondering if there’s any real functional purpose to the title anymore. It’s as if the English media has elevated the value of the captaincy above anything practical (like focusing on missing characteristics needed to improve), and has reached the point where the base assumption is that leading a team out of a tunnel is inherently of epic importance to everyone, rather than just to the person wearing the armband and those already blindly in love with the lore of captains.

But what is the value of a captain? This is the existential question that arises from the latest episode of Captaingate. And the answer is, “It depends,” which is the answer to every existential question. In this case, it depends on the team.

By means of comparison, Arsenal is a team that clearly is in need of inspirational leaders on the field. Technically, Arsene Wenger’s men don’t have much to iron out. But when the going gets rough, it’s hard to pinpoint an Arsenal player who consistently picks up his teammates and inspires them to the finish line.

But England is not Arsenal. England is not a team of players lacking in inspirational figures. England is team of players who have won league titles and Champions League trophies, feats not possible without fully capable, inspirational leaders. When thinking of all the obstacles that have prevented England from advancing in qualifying and tournament play, “leadership” is not the word that comes to mind. Think of all the times in the past several years that England has failed to get a result. You probably didn’t think, “Man, they completely got their captain wrong today.”

That’s not to say, however, that a captain can’t have a detrimental effect on a team. A captain is fully capable of destroying morale through any number of personal deficiencies. Re-enter John Terry.

On the plus side, Terry has proved himself a perfectly capable leader on the field. He has won things, yells at people, and points a lot, checking all the boxes for the cliche of a leader. Without question, Terry is fantastic at expressing himself, which segues nicely into his downside as captain. The Chelsea man has been known to polarize locker rooms, and during Bridgegate, perhaps took things a step too far by over-expressing himself off the field, which ultimately diminishes the value that Terry supposedly brings to the table as captain, an ability to have his teammates rally around him.

Yet, in spite of all of the potential drawbacks that leave a clear path for England to fall apart, there’s still a question that continues to go unanswered — how does any of this captain discussion change England’s fortunes on the field for the better?

Quick answer: It doesn’t.

For those who think that the proprietor of the armband on this particular England team will be determine whether England succeeds or fails, I give you:

World Cup 2010:

England vs. USA || 1-1 || (captain: Gerrard)

England vs. Algeria || 0-0 || (captain: Gerrard)

England vs. Germany || 1-4 || (captain: Gerrard)

2008 European Championships:

Didn’t qualify (captain: Terry)

The point is, these categorical, English disappointments had very little to do with an armband. Fabio Capello makes too much money, so nothing is happening there. Therefore, England might as well make Scott Parker the new England captain. Can’t hurt, right?

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June 10, 1990 — Control your emotions. I know national anthems can be moving, but there’s a game to be played. In fact, there are three games to play. If you can’t handle these early moments, maybe this isn’t for you. If you find this stressful, you should be concerned because it will take a herculean effort for you to make it through the Backstreet Boys, the internet and financial armageddon, three things that I’m just guessing are on the horizon. What’s the internet you ask? I’m not sure. It’s 1990.

I’m busy typing this on my brand new Macintosh IIci (which will only set you back about $8700). I’ll probably use this piece of technological greatness to process the written word for 5-10 years at a minimum.

But this isn’t about computers, nor is it about processed words. This is about my beloved U.S. men’s national team and their first trip to the World Cup since 1950.

On the back of Paul Caligiuri’s inappropriately named “shot heard ’round the world*,” the U.S. scurried out of the soccer wilderness, eager to show the rest of the world its uniforms (which to the surprise of many spectators are not made out of denim). Now, a few months later, here we are in Italy, a team with uniforms; the inevitable Cold War champions versus Czechoslovakia, a country I can envision being several independent nations.

Now I know most of you can’t be bothered to pay attention to this alien sporting event, especially since the U.S. isn’t a dominant world soccer power and arguably never will be. Rooting for a losing cause isn’t exactly an American pastime. It’s like cheering for Beta Max, only more pointless. Today’s Washington Post probably sums up the feelings of most people:

“The greatest soccer experience of  [the U.S. players'] lives awaits them Sunday at 11 a.m. EDT, when, virtually dismissed here as a threat of any sort, they step onto a world stage to take on highly favored Czechoslovakia.”

Makes you want to tune in, doesn’t it?

Some people in the U.S. are taking notice, they just happen to be focusing on other teams. In various ethnic enclaves around the country, people are tuning in to follow their idols from home. But what about our guys? Who are these wonderfully mulleted gentlemen representing our fine nation in Italy?

Well, the U.S. team might as well include Sal, the one-eyed mechanic from Queens, Obadele, the aspiring cartoonist, son of a very disappointed Nigerian father and a botanist from Papua New Guinea, and Seamus, the butcher’s apprentice from Milwaukee with a chronic case of eczema. Our top players are so anonymous that they might as well be fictional characters.

The low profile of American soccer players can be attributed to the game’s low profile in the United States. Our players aren’t even contracted to professional teams, but instead are signed to full-time contracts with the United States Soccer Federation (USSF) that retains the right to loan the players out when deemed appropriate. Both goalkeeper Tony Meola and midfielder John Harkes signed to play exclusively for the USSF from the University of Virginia. Midfielder Tab Ramos, forward Eric Wynalda, and the rest of the players you don’t know also signed with the USSF prior to the World Cup.

In comparison to the competition in Italy, our boys, for the most part, ply their trade in questionable environments when not training or playing with the national team. Defender Desmond Armstrong is fresh off of an injury-plagued season with the Major Indoor Soccer League’s (MISL) Baltimore Blast.

Mike Windischmann was playing with the American Soccer League’s (ASL) Albany Capitals. Prior to that he was with the MISL’s LA Lazers, and before that with the Brooklyn Italians. Windischmann, by the way, has my favorite U.S. soccer quote of the qualifying campaign when prior to the qualifier against Trinidad and Tobago (the one where Caligiuri’s storied shot clinched World Cup qualification), he said to his teammates: ”Do you realize, if we lose, some of us will have to go out and get jobs? That just about says everything you need to know.

John Stollmeyer, another name you probably don’t know, laced up for the Western Soccer Alliance’s (WSA) Arizona Condors. If you don’t know, the WSA was one of the top two leagues in the U.S. earlier this year, that is until February, when the WSA merged with the ASL, its east coast counterpart, to form the American Professional Soccer League. After the merger, Stollmeyer joined the Washington Stars where he joined forces with fellow national team player Bruce Murray.

Then there’s John Harkes, a player who was getting his exercise with the ASL’s Albany Capitals prior to the World Cup. He’s quite a player, but it’s really hard to tell how good someone is when they’re playing in Albany. He’ll probably go on to have a mediocre career and a few scandals. That’s what tends to happen with unfulfilled, uncultivated talent. But don’t quote me on that.

Anyway, I think you get the point. We are underdogs, and rightfully so.

However, I’m looking at this moment a bit differently. It’s not all doom and gloom. Although no one seems to be interested, this moment could be the catalyst that U.S. soccer needs to really start building the game at home. It is an opportunity to pit some of our young talent against the world’s best and give them exposure in front of major scouts from the world’s best leagues. Where all this leads, I can’t say. Maybe one day we’ll have our national team players playing in serious professional leagues around the world, as opposed to in semi-professional leagues that seem to fold and/or merge every two years. And who knows, maybe one day we’ll have a serious full-fledged professional league again drawing thousands of fans right here in the good ol’ USA. Sure, it’s a dream, but ten years ago, few could have imagined that I would be writing this piece in my home office on a state-of-the-art machine named after a fruit that doesn’t require me to change cartridges to erase words. That’s right. Let that marinate.

Anyway, it’s almost game time. My prediction, an upset. We’ll beat Czechoslovakia 2-1. And then we’ll see who is paying attention. More tomorrow. Czech you later. Pun intended.

* If a shot is taken and no one watches, can it be heard ’round the world? I have my doubts.

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Ladies and gentlemen — Your OFFICIAL U.S. Men’s National Team for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa:

Goalkeepers (3): Tim Howard, Brad Guzan, Marcus Hahnemann

Defenders (7): Carlos Bocanegra, Steve Cherundolo, Oguchi Onyewu, Jonathan Spector, Jay DeMerit, Clarence Goodson, Jonathan Bornstein

Midfielders (9): Landon Donovan, Maurice Edu, Clint Dempsey, Michael Bradley, Stuart Holden, DaMarcus Beasley, Benny Feilhaber, Jose Torres, Ricardo Clark

Forwards (4): Jozy Altidore, Herculez Gomez, Edson Buddle, Robbie Findley

***

This means that the players who miss out on the World Cup are: Eddie Johnson, Robbie Rodgers, Sacha Kljestan, Chad Marshall, Heath Pearce, Alejandro Bedoya and Brian Ching.

The surprise — Robbie Findley over Brian Ching.  We’ll have more on that later, but it might suggest that Bradley thinks that pace is going to be more important than power.  Otherwise ,it’s pretty much what many of us expected.

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Last night in Hartford, Connecticut, the U.S. Men’s National Team lost 4-2 in a friendly World Cup warm up match against the Czech Republic.  Nothing particularly friendly happened on the pitch.  In fact, the match had the familiar unfriendly feel of non-friendly U.S. matches.

The U.S. fielded a largely second string side, leaving out starters Landon Donovan, Clint Dempsey, Tim Howard, Carlos Bocanegra and Michael Bradley, giving Bob Bradley and U.S. fans an opportunity to learn more about players on the cusp of the World Cup squad.  So what did we learn?  Well, I learned that Bocanegra apparently hasn’t eaten for months the way he was attacking those chicken wings in the important people suite during the match (thank you ESPN camera guy).   Here are a few other things I learned:

The U.S. still has only two ways to attack: In a 4-4-2, the U.S. currently has two dynamic, central midfielders with the ability to create and make decisive passes, Benny Feilhaber and José Torres.  Last night, Torres got the start, displaying some nice touches and glimpses of vision and tidy distribution often lacking out of our midfield.  Both players know how to find space, can possess the ball, and have the ability to see and play dangerous balls going forward.  They could be great assets to the U.S. if the team knew how to use them properly.

The U.S. typically likes to play with two relatively defensive, central midfielders.  Chances are that against England on June 12, those two central miidfielders will be Michael Bradley and Maurice Edu. In our 4-4-2, our outside midfielders are responsible for attacking, creating, and helping out defensively. Against England, they will have more defensive responsibilities than usual given the potency of England’s attack.  Landon Donovan, and one of Stuart Holden, DaMarcus Beasley or Clint Dempsey will likely occupy the outside midfield roles.

This system generally gives us two attacking options: 1)  Counterattacking from the wings; and 2) Hoofing the ball up to a forward as an outlet, hoping that the receiving forward can control the ball and play in the supporting midfielders, or alternatively, if it’s Jozy Altidore, turn and beat the defender with pace.  Both of these attacking options relegate the roll of our two central midfielders to defensive or holding duties, which makes practical sense with Bradley and Edu as neither are dynamic enough to quickly turn in traffic and play in probing balls to the forwards or wingers.  Don’t get me wrong, both are great players, but neither of them are playmakers, per se.

Given the predictability of our style of play, good teams will close down the wings and make our backs and central midfielders beat them. We’ve seen over the years how frustrating it can be when our two attacking options aren’t working.  We have other options, but unfortunately, we aren’t so good at using them.

The problem is that even when we introduce a Feilhaber or Torres, we still play as if we’re playing with two relatively defensive midfielders, often bypassing their creativity even though they have a better eye for playing penetrating balls and dictating the tempo of the game.  It’s as if the U.S. hasn’t thought through how to change the tempo or play to the strengths of a a varied set of midfielders.  It’s a problem that will come to haunt us in South Africa, not if, but when our two attacking options fail to meet the demands of a match.

Players like Feilhaber and Torres have the ability to use Donovan and Altidore in slightly different ways than we’re used to seeing them. Feilhaber and Torres have the ability to take the creative and distribution duties away from Donovan, for example, and allow him to focus on making dangerous runs.  Similarly, Altidore at times needs to be more than an outlet.  But being more than an outlet requires smart distribution from midfield.  Sometimes you need to give the creative responsibility to others to unleash the ability of attacking players.  The U.S. needs to spend time working on this option because it will need it to advance in South Africa.

Herculez, Herculez, Herculez (clapping):  In my book, Herculez Gomez should definitely go to South Africa.  In fact, in the remaining friendlies (assuming he makes the cut), it will be interesting to see what Gomez and Altidore look like together.  Last night, he at least did enough to bypass Eddie Johnson on the depth chart.

The reason why Gomez should make the final roster is simple.  He has the momentum, and in tournament play, momentum matters. Furthermore, Gomez had a half to make his case, and in that half, he did what you want forwards to do — score.  In comparison, given years of opportunities to impress, Eddie Johnson has consistently underwhelmed.  Now is the time to transition to a player like Gomez who led the Mexican League in scoring and just showed that he’ll work just as hard for the U.S. national team.  Oh yeah, and I’ll say it again, he scored last night in his only real opportunity to shine.  He took his chance and that should matter.

For what it’s worth, I’d also take Edson Buddle, sacrificing a midfielder along the way, not literally of course.  Yesterday, Buddle showed a tremendous work rate, outshining his first half partner, Eddie Johnson.  But that’s not the only reason why I’d select him.  Removing Johnson from the equation, if you take a look at the remaining forwards (Altidore, Gomez, Ching, and throw Dempsey in), Buddle alone has the qualities to replace Altidore’s pace, power and workrate, which is essential in not only getting behind defenses, but also in pressuring defenders.  It would be a mistake, again, given his momentum, to pull the cord now. Please, not now.  His pace and power could come in handy in South Africa.

Proposed Final U.S. World Cup team: So here’s my final 23 who should go to South Africa:

Goalkeepers (3): Tim Howard, Brad Guzan, Marcus Hahnemann

Defenders (7): Carlos Bocanegra, Steve Cherundolo, Oguchi Onyewu (if healthy), Jonathan Spector, Jay DeMerit, Clarence Goodson, Jonathan Bornstein

Midfielders (8): Landon Donovan, Maurice Edu, Michael Bradley, Stuart Holden, DaMarcus Beasley, Benny Feilhaber, Jose Torres, Ricardo Clark

Forwards (5): Jozy Altidore, Clint Dempsey, Herculez Gomez, Brian Ching, Edson Buddle

***

We’ll find out how close I am this afternoon, once again on ESPN.

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Not only can the Dear Leader hide nuclear missiles, he also knows football tactics.  Those are two pretty mean party tricks.  Most reading types are aware of the Great Leader’s nuclear ambitions, but not too many folks are probably aware that North Korean leader and super-tactician Kim Jong-Il was also the inspiration behind North Korea’s march to South Africa. That’s right. And to think we’ve spent the better part of the last five months praising Roy Hodgson whose full time job is to manage Fulham. The Great Leader has to juggle tactical preparation with oppressing his people, rationing electricity, nuclear arms negotiations, collecting fabulous sunglasses, and forcible relocations. Take that Roy Hodgson, you one-trick pony.

According to Kim Jong Su of the North Korean Football Association, “The Great Leader gave in-depth guidance on the development of Korean football.  He proposed the game’s tactics most relevant for the physiological characteristics of the Korean players.”  Now that’s a leader.

Of all the North Korea previews I’ve seen (and there aren’t many), none of them try to get inside the head of the team’s tactical nerve center, the man himself, Kim Jong-Il.  So here, only here, will you find some proper analysis that will enable you to properly place your bets on who gets out of the Group G, which many acknowledge is the 2010 World Cup’s Group of Death.

Tactics: Watch for the Unpredictable

The Great Leader is a big fan of the clandestine.  Whether with uranium enrichment or general team information, Kim takes great measures to carefully conceal his hand.  At the World Cup, the element of surprise weighs in favor of the North Koreans.

Kim has repeatedly duped foreign leaders, for instance, repeatedly entering into negotiations and then backing out when convenient.  For the Great Leader, walking up to the line and quickly backpedaling is merely a form of exercise.  If Kim passes on his erratic and unpredictable behavior to his team, watch out for 7-3 formations to start, shifting into 1-2-7 formations if the Koreans need goals.  Completely disregard anything you’ve seen in qualification and friendlies, because what you see is not always what you get when the Great Leader is involved.

Style: In One Word – Hungry

The term “hungry” is often used to describe players who have an insatiable appetite to win.  But with the North Koreans, the team might literally be hungry.  And if they fail to impress, they could go hungry for some time.  Kim Jong-Il is known for rewarding athletes who do well, while mercilessly punishing those who fail to meet his standards.  So expect his side to get after it.  The fashionable sides facing this hardened group of North Koreans may be in for a surprise when they learn what it really means to be hungry for success.  And for the North Korean players, success will surely bring that reward that North Koreans desperately want and need, a massive, synchronized parade, full of all the color that has been removed from their daily lives.  If that’s not incentive, I don’t know what is.

Adversaries: Escaping Death

Alongside the North Koreans in the “Group of Death” are  Brazil, Portugal, and Sven-Göran Eriksson’s Côte d’Ivoire.  Yes, the same Sven who was being lined up to potentially manage North Korea in South Africa.  It makes you wonder whether Côte d’Ivoire’s placement in Group G is part of some nefarious plan concocted by the mind of the Great Leader.  Too many variables you say?  Well, Sven is capable of anything if the price is right.  We all know that FIFA and bribery are good friends.  And you can never underestimate the mind of a dictator when pride is at stake on the global stage.  I’m just saying, don’t underestimate the mind of the man behind the sunglasses.

But back to the Group of Death.  When you think of all the necessary characteristics that would enable one to overcome death, there’s an argument for each of Group G’s teams to escape group play.  The Brazilians escape the death, kidnappings and Manchester City regularly.  That’s a lot of evil to deal with.  But I fear that Brazil may have become complacent with all of their success in spite of these obstacles.  Portugal has a bunch of primadonnas who would rather look good than win.  Faced with death, they’ll fold under the pressure and choose stylish losing.  And Sven, well, he always escapes death, often getting paid handsomely in the process.  But given that he cares more about his paycheck than he does about success, expect him to run well before it becomes a fight to the death.  That leaves North Korea, a team of internationals that don’t even have refrigerators. As North Korean player Choe Myong Ho eloquently stated, “What’s a refrigerator for? It allows you to get cold drinks in the summer.  And if you do that, you could catch a cold and not be able to train.”  Yeah, in a Group of Death, I’m taking that guy.

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And there you have it, my dark horse to make it out of the Group of Death, North Korea, heading into the knockout rounds with Brazil, the conventional pick.  I’d have put my money on the completely unconventional duo of North Korea and Côte d’Ivoire if Sven wasn’t involved.  But alas, he is.

Now that my selection is made for Group G, I need to find a proper North Korean supporters club, which is difficult since no North Koreans will be permitted to travel to South Africa for the World Cup.  Fortunately, a stand-up crew of Chinese fans calling themselves the “fans volunteer army” have stepped in to support the North Koreans and have been given tickets from the North Korean government.  How’s that for community service?  It would be a sad day in South Africa to watch North Korea play without supporters, especially considering  that the nation has a very strong flag, perfect for waiving and apparel.  I hope the volunteer army accepts me.  But just in case, I’m bringing platform shoes to show them that I’m down with the Leader.

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Things aren’t looking so good for one of my favorite national teams, the Black Stars of Ghana. The Black Stars were one of the pleasant surprises at the last World Cup in Germany.  Many, including myself, were looking for them to build upon their round of 16 exit in 2006 with a solid showing at this year’s World Cup in South Africa.  Unfortunately, the injury bug has hit their two star players.

For the past two years, the team’s inspirational captain Stephen Appiah has been sidelined with a major leg injury.  Although he claims he will be ready to participate in the World Cup, I have my doubts.  If the past two years are anything to go on, Appiah is a long way from being declared fit.  As if that weren’t bad enough, Michael Essien has been injured since the beginning of the year.   It was thought that he would be back playing for his club team this weekend, however it appears that he has suffered a setback, which may rule him out for the remainder of the Premier League season.

Should these two midfielders, nicknamed the Tornado and the Bison respectively, not recover in time for the World Cup, Ghana will have a hard time progressing into the later stages of the tournament.  Such a scenario would be a cruel blow to the aspirations of a nation intent on being crowned champions of the first World Cup on African soil.

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Conflicts of interest and abuses of power are well-documented hallmarks of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s reign.  Berlusconi has a stranglehold on Italian media outlets (many of which, he owns) and isn’t shy about manipulating legislation to avoid being tried in court.  One has to wonder what role his magical touch has played in the current state of affairs at his club, AC Milan.  The Rossoneri, once feared as arguably the best football side in the world, are nothing more than a shadow of their former selves.

At the end of last season, the media magnate refused to reinvest in the club, claiming that the club is bleeding money. As a result, Silvio continued to meddle in football matters, ushering Kaká, his best player, out the door to Real Madrid for $93 million. Not surprisingly, Milan was knocked out at an early stage of the Champions League yet again. This time, a talented and youthful Manchester United squad put them to the sword in ruthless fashion, winning 7-2 in aggregate.

It’s been obvious for some time that Milan has been short of the creative verve for which they have been known. The core of the team has been largely unchanged since Milan won the Champions League in 2007. Since then, Milan has failed to progress beyond the round of 16. Age, the silent killer of most athletic careers, has clearly crept in. Even the renowned Milan Lab is clearly incapable of reversing the effects of father time. To solve that riddle, Silvio needs to open the purse strings and let the football people make the football decisions needed to resurrect the team. Only then will he begin to halt this great club’s fall from grace. It’s the least a club with Milan’s storied past deserves.

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Wynalda’s point on Fox Football Phone-In was basically this:  Pick five guys from Arsenal and five from Chelsea.  Drop the ball in the middle and place bets on who will come up with the ball.

Presented with this scenario, I think most people will come to the same conclusion, which sums up the issue with Arsenal.  On any given day, Arsenal can beat anyone.  But over the course of a season, a number of games will come down to Wynalda’s scenario.  Can you win a fight or not?  Pretty football might be successful most of the time, but if you can’t win the Wynalda scenario, your chances of success in the Premier League are limited.  And that’s precisely what we saw over the weekend.

The jury is in on whether Wenger can create a team that plays beautiful football without breaking the bank.  However, with this rebuilt Arsenal side, the jury might also be in on this team’s ability to fight a battle.

The lack of hardness in the Arsenal side is not the fault of the Arsenal players.  You can’t ask Cesc Fabregas to be Michael Essien.  You can’t ask Andrei Arshavin or even Robin van Persie to be Didier Drogba.  But you do need players in your side that can fill these roles.  And if anything has been clear over the past few years, Arsenal doesn’t have those players any more.

So why not?  Do we really believe that Wenger’s philosophy is that he can pretty his way to the title with pint sized players?  Surely Wenger has made offers for plus sized players over the last few years.  And surely Wenger has had offers turned down for players who might fill this roll over the past few years.  But failing to acquire players in this mold comes down to desire to get a deal done.  If in fact Wenger recognizes a weakness in the team, he needs to address that weakness.  And it’s not like Wenger needed to suppress his economic instincts and go out and buy an established player.  He simply could have bought a player with the physique and engine to do battle.  Those players are out there and many of them would not require Arsenal to break the bank.

Conventional wisdom is that Arsenal lack big players with big experience.  However, it’s a bit more clear to me that Arsenal just lack big players – big as in size.  Arsenal don’t have to change the way they play most games, but they need a second option, a fighting option.

Arsenal will continue to struggle against teams that can be both technical and physical until they get a physical presence.  And that comes down to Wenger, not the players.

+1 for Eric Wynalda.

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