Nutmeg Radio

Primary Lessons: Mitt Romney, Allegiance, Soccer Fans & The Destruction Of The Greater Good

Miriti Murungi — Wed, 02 May 2012 17:43:22 +0000

Ah, here we go. Classic match ups, slick trash-talking, no-look dishing, draining, national schedules across varied climates with little time to rest in between contests, and a slew of rabid partisans.

That’s right. Buckle up, ladies and gentlemen, it’s primary season again.

Romney! Whoa! Mitt Romney! Whoaaa!

He comes from New England.

He’s got more cash than sin.

Romney! Whoa! Mitt Romney! Whoooaa!

Two teams. Arch-rivals. Democrats vs. Republicans. A historic rivalry capable of matching up against any of the world’s great derbies. Think AC Milan-Inter Milan at the San Siro. A shared stadium, but it’s war. Each team, both sets of fans protecting the party line with a Daglishian zeal. No retreat. Hold the line. Never surrender.

But then a funny thing happens. Each side voluntarily agrees to turn their swords inward to batter and bruise their respective selves until submission or knockout. All, of course, for the greater good, or so they say.

****

It starts off like one of those coffee commercials, where the robust aroma of some residue masquerading as coffee makes one member of a drowsy couple wake up and float to a model home kitchen. Except the couples are primary candidates, and the coffee is power. It’s intoxicating. Suddenly, candidates start popping their heads out like turtles, having practiced confident-sounding rhetoric in the mirror for months, emerging with grandiose, bold platforms to save America from the latest person to be the worst person ever, eager to garner enough publicity to land a book deal about the “Promise of America Beacon Something Or Other” or a comfortable seat in a studio that provides enough lumbar support to pretend to be righteously outraged.

Shakespearean treachery ensues. Proverbial sleeves are rolled up as the power-hungry inhale the aroma of caffeinated power. The race to see who can out-Jesus, Reagan, states’ rights and forefather the other candidates is underway.

And then you blink, and it’s halftime.

Who scored? Who won? Can you believe what s/he was wearing? Can somebody give Rick Perry a red card for that absurd comment about Turkey?

The game can make you forget that we’re meant to be discussing things that matter to the well-being of actual, breathing human beings. There is supposed to be a higher purpose, but all of a sudden you’re rooting for teams, collecting stats, buying merchandise, signing petitions, collecting outrage and ammunition with each candidate’s answer. It’s enough to make you start a fantasy politics league. All of a sudden, it’s entertainment with a partisan political twist.

****

Entertainment is being thrown around this most recent GOP field like a hyper five-year-old with a bucket of confetti. It’s everywhere, and it lingers. Newt Gingrich is calling Mitt Romney a liar, a misfit unfit to lead the country. According to Gingrich, Romney is basically Obama, which would make him a neo-liberal Kenyan socialist intent on destroying America.

Romney, along with most Americans who watched the train wreck, thinks that Rick Perry is an oblivious cartoon character filled to the brim with calamity.

Perry, like Gingrich, suggests that Romney is basically an opportunist, willing to repackage his position on just about anything to get his dirty, money-grubbing, Bain Capital hands on the throne in order to achieve a goal that has been close to his heart since the age of six: lowering the corporate tax rate, unless, of course, the poll numbers suggest that’s not popular with the Republican electorate. Although Perry may not say it directly, he is also calling Romney a de facto liar.

Herman Cain, with his three page bills that are supposed to make things easier, forgetting all the bureaucracy that will be needed to fill in the blanks, is on a bus touring somewhere with his 9-9-9 plan, a play straight out of the Palin playbook that looks destined for a book deal about the trials and tribulations of a pizza mogul or a reality show with moral integrity as the sub-plot.

From the party that gave us “we can’t afford a president who will learn on the job,” we got the Bain fellow, the calamitous cartoon character, the pizza guy, and life-long politicians who seemingly hate politicians.

The characters are so entertaining that you can forget why you were watching in the first place. If I recall correctly, it was to see which candidate would make a better beer drinking partner.

****

The game is in full swing. You’ve picked your team. The rhetoric starts seeping in. States’ rights. Reagan. Socialism. America. Freedom. Say the mantra, over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Until all meaning is removed. Until you can say it without feeling the sub-text.

The questioning of fellow teammates continues. Allegiances form, rhetoric turns to mantra, and stances harden. And just like your favorite derby, it gets personal, to the point where some people want to fight. How can you not be captivated by the drama? In fact, you can be drawn in by the drama alone.

But in a few short months, the Republican primary debauchery flickers out, and the team pivots to its true mortal enemy, the Democrats. All of a sudden, the Republican nominee, who his teammates have just finished trashing – labeled a liar, an opportunist, Obama-like, a danger to America, incapable of getting us off of the brink of recession – is backed as the righteous candidate to take on President Obama and lauded as the sound choice, in spite of being a liar, opportunist, morally reprehensible, indistinguishable from Obama, dangerous, and unfit just moments ago. All those slanderous barbs you heard before? Forget them. Just get in line behind the team and remember the mantra – States’ rights. Reagan. Socialism. America. Freedom – and you’ll never walk alone.

Captivating the audience through rhetoric and repetition. That’s the game, and it’s true on both sides. Challenging ideas and asking for proof or logical argument is an afterthought. Instead, the focus is on trading empty, ultimately meaningless, barbs and tag lines, while telling anecdotes about how regular person X from small town Y lost Z job because of opponent A’s plan that is destroying America. Conveniently, only Candidate B can save us from impending doom.

The enemy has shifted, but you put last week’s game behind you and move on to the next opponent with your allegiance intact. Head down. Eyes forward. March.

****

Picking a side is what we are programmed to do when taking in contests. Fantasy-sports-like data – polls, favorability ratings, head-to-head projections and anecdotal evidence – allow you to expedite the team selection process. You’re steered down the road to allegiance by voices repeatedly harping about the importance of the party line. The rhetoric becomes the roadmap to being a proper supporter. Say these words, dislike these people, and always remember that team comes first. It’s a paradigm that can leave you fighting battles with fanatical rhetoric, unsure why you are so angry and full of vitriol for people you don’t even know.

It’s easy to get lost in the rhetoric, to get so entrenched in provocation, antagonism and self-importance that critical thinking dissipates and morphs into blind allegiance. It’s a path that can lead to internalizing the mantra of being a supporter of so-and-so team till you die. That team could be Mitt Romney. That team could be the Republicans. That team could be the Democrats. That team could be Liverpool.

Backing a team at all costs can be a hazardous pastime. It can bastardize the senses to the point that communal values become easily compromised and discarded in the name of tribal allegiance, to the point where the game is victimized at the expense of the team. So when you find yourself conveniently twisting arguments to fit your allegiance, maybe it’s time for a time out. Be aware that team can’t always be everything. Every now and then, it is healthy to walk alone. Sometimes the greater good depends on it.

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Yasiin Bey (Mos Def) Takes His Talents to Parisian Radio

Clive Longbottom-Fellow, Esq. — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 08:37:51 +0000

Bonsoir, tout le monde.

Yasiin Bey, the man formerly known as Mos Def, breaks it down on a J Dilla track. Sunshine Screwface is the name; Parisian station Radio Nova is the place. As you can tell by the red mic, the man still has the swag. Turn down your Ryan Babel freestyles, kick back, and let it marinate on the ear.

More, you say?

Well, whet your palate with a little more Yasiin Bey from Paris. This is the Quiet Dog Freestyle. Do enjoy.

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Timber Ink: Carolina Panthers Owner Jerry Richardson Hates the Portland Timbers

Miriti Murungi — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 08:11:38 +0000

The Portland Timbers had a contest. No, it wasn’t a contest to see which eight year old can score from outside the stadium on the Timbers’ rugged mascot, the chainsaw-wielding Timber Joey. Nor was it a contest to see which fan could answer some archaic, lumber-related trivia question from the 1640s. It was a contest for the new millennium; a tattoo contest, ladies and gentlemen.

Only a decade ago, imagining overly child-friendly MLS teams sanctioning such a competition would be unimaginable. Back then, “cutting-edge” and “MLS marketing” weren’t exactly terms to be used in the same sentence. And it wasn’t just MLS. It’s hard imagining teams from any of the other major, American sports leagues sanctioning an ink competition a decade ago. But times sure have changed, at least in MLS.

Here’s the gist of the contest. Contestants were to submit an original tattoo design with a Portland Timbers theme. At the end of the submission period, Timbers players Jake Gleeson and Eric Brunner judge the designs. The criteria: 50% originality – 50% creativity.

The contest winner gets $300 towards a tattoo at a tattoo parlor of his or her choice and the opportunity to have the inking recorded and posted on the Timbers website. It’s a novel approach to marketing and brand building by the Timbers, and one that isn’t dripping with conservatism and fear of modernity.

But not everyone shares the Timbers’ sensibilities.

You remember Cam Newton, the first overall pick by the Carolina Panthers in the 2011 NFL Draft. You might remember Newton from such films as the 2010 Heisman Trophy or the 2011 BCS National Championship Game with the Auburn Tigers. You might remember the seemingly never-ending controversy surrounding poppa Cecil Newton’s alleged solicitation of cash payments during his son’s college recruiting process. Anyway, none of these details are important; the important thing is that you now vaguely know Cam Newton if you didn’t before.

Right before the Panthers drafted Newton, Panthers owner Jerry Richardson provided some insight into his thoughts on skin care and grooming; thoughts that suggest a fundamental disagreement with the Timbers’ recent marketing adventure. In an interview with Charlie Rose, the man with the most dynamic set on television, Richardson shared the following memories of a conversation with Newton.

Richardson: Do you have any tattoos?

Newton: No, sir. I don’t have any.

Richardson: Do you have any piercings?

Newton: No, sir. I don’t have any.

Richardson: We want to keep it that way. We want to keep no tattoos, no piercings, and I think you’ve got a very nice haircut.

Fun, right?

For the most part, owners have every right to implement codes governing player appearance (see New York Yankees no facial hair policy). But perhaps there comes a time for simply embracing contemporary methods of expression. It’s a train that history suggests is virtually impossible to stop, even when the purveyors of preserving “the way it used to be” are driving. Certainly, by now, time has revealed that decent people come in all colors, and that includes green, yellow, red, or with a Timbers theme.

Hat tip, Timbers. Way to have a personality. And I also like your haircut.

I suppose you would like to see the winner of this fine competition. Well, head on over to Timbers Central to gaze upon the winning design.

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African Cup of Nations 2012: Zambia Dances To The Title

Miriti Murungi — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 16:13:02 +0000

www.youtube.com/watch?v=auHiDUIXK-g

The 2012 African Cup of Nations is over. Sad, I know. But Zambia might see things a bit differently.

Until this past Sunday, only eight nations -- Egypt, Tunisia, Cameroon, South Africa, Nigeria, Côte d’Ivoire, Algeria and Ghana -- have won Africa’s premier continental tournament since 1980. That’s sixteen tournaments won by eight teams, which only tells part of the story since Egypt has won five of the titles, Cameroon close behind with four, followed by Nigeria with two. This concentrated group largely represents the African powerhouses over the last three decades. Amazingly, five of these eight nations failed to qualify for the 2012 tournament.

Enter Zambia.

The story has been told repeatedly over the last month. En route to Gabon for the 1993 African Cup of Nations, eighteen members of the Zambian national team perished in a plane crash. It was a devastating moment for the southern African nation, and particularly painful because of the lofty expectations Zambians had for what was their most talented team to date.

National teams often sweat over the loss of great players to retirement. So imagine the magnitude of Zambia losing eighteen of its best players on one day. Forever. Coming out of retirement one last time to assist the homeland no longer an option. The thought of such a tragedy cripples the spirit.

Since that tragic day, Zambian soccer has been a marginal presence in the African game. Although Zambia impressively continued to regularly qualify for subsequent African Cup of Nations tournaments, Zambian players have failed to make a mark outside of the country in comparison to the host of African players who have become internationally recognizable figures over the last two decades. A quick glance at the Zambian roster for the 2012 tournament shows a continuation of that pattern, revealing unfamiliar name after unfamiliar name to those who don’t pay close attention to African soccer.

Fast forward.

In 2012, Zambia was once again en route to Gabon for the African Cup of Nations. The significance of the team’s return wasn’t lost on the group. You could see it in the way they played from the first whistle. Zambia didn’t play as if preoccupied with a morbid saga; they played enthusiastically with the panache of a team that wasn’t aware it was supposed to curl up in the fetal position against the continent’s best. Zambia marched through the tournament on the way to the title like a circus, ignoring degrees of difficulty, smiling, flipping, sticking landings and dancing from their opening game upset of Senegal, to the final whistle when they humbled tournament favorites Côte d’Ivoire.

Plenty of interviews and game recaps can be found online chronicling Zambia’s impossible victory. But the same stories can be found in the team’s goals and celebrations.

The following clips summarize Zambia’s play throughout the tournament. Powerful, direct, confident, and joyous. There was only one team that was going to be crowned African champions this year, and none of its players were superstars. They played as a collective, and they danced as a collective.

Congratulations to Zambia, the 2012 African Cup of Nations champions. Here are all their tournament goals and the final celebration. And yes, it does seem like handspring proficiency is a requirement to be an attacking player for Zambia.

1. Zambia v. Senegal (group stage)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFjFxfox680

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCFYBmiBa20

2. Zambia v. Libya (group stage)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLGkHe9-9Uw

www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_jLdX6Vcyk

3. Zambia v. Equatorial Guinea (group stage)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=useImqZx2uk

4. Zambia v. Sudan (quarter-finals)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6myekz-P7HY

www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8RkBb03QxE

www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6TpNIHhayU

5. Zambia v. Ghana (semi-finals)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LeIhoxG5So

6. Zambia v. Côte d’Ivoire (final): After the final whistle, Zambian coach Herve Renard carries Joseph Musonda (injured during the match) to the celebrations. I suppose “celebrate together” really was the theme.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb1TQkIXX_c

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The African Cup of Nations: Celebrating the Other Side of Africa

Miriti Murungi — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 15:51:24 +0000

Shane Smith doesn’t usually take the easy route. Kind of a hipster Richard Engel-Christiane Amanpour hybrid, the co-founder of VICE Magazine can easily get you nodding, laughing or dropping your jaw at his audacious attempts to uncover stories off the beaten path. Once you start watching his VICE Guides to places the State Department probably suggests you should avoid, it’s hard to stop watching.

So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that listening to Smith recount tales from his adventures is fascinating. But a recent, relatively innocuous-seeming comment made me flinch. Waxing lyrical about the various levels of hell he’s visited, Smith said that there are no cell phones or internet in the Congo, which is mind blowing if you think about it – a massive country, the size of the United States east of the Mississippi River, cut off from all modern forms of communication, internally and with the rest of the world. That’s eerie.

But there’s a small problem with his statement. It’s simply not true. I’ve used and seen people use both of these modern luxuries in the Congo. In fact, I received a text from a friend in the Congo a few hours ago. Are these luxuries widely accessible to all? Attempting to answer that question will probably give you a more accurate portrayal of cell phone and internet availability in the Congo.

When Smith dons his VICE Guide hat, he is in the business of selling hell. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Smith produces much-needed, in-depth stories that few outlets seem interested in or willing to pursue. He has profiled a former warlord/cannibal-turned-preacher (General Butt Naked) in Liberia to give insight into the transitional nation, uncovered North Korean labor camps in Russia, and provided a rare and surreal look behind the North Korean curtain. He takes you into hearts of darkness that most people will never encounter. But it is precisely the remoteness of Smith’s subjects and the lack of access to stories for comparison purposes that make the accuracy of his presentations so disproportionately important, especially when compared to stories that receive endless mainstream coverage from outlets around the world.

When it comes to peddling despair or highlighting the ignored, precision matters. That is particularly true when coverage of a story is sparse. I point this out not to question Smith’s broader integrity. His work offers unique insights and raises many legitimate questions. But it was Smith’s single characterization of the Congo that triggered a series of thoughts about the presentation of Africa, accuracy, nuance, and, of course, soccer.

There’s a narrative when it comes to Africa that consistently focuses on negativity. Things are broken, systems are corrupt, Nigerians send bogus emails. Then there’s the overarching, constant quest for development that consistently frames fifty-four nations as a pained, huddled collective, always needing, perpetually chasing the standards of developed nations, forever walking around frowning. There are elements of truth to these characterizations, but told alone, they paint a picture that makes perfectly intelligent people draw some utterly ridiculous conclusions.

Two years ago, the 27th African Cup of Nations was held in Angola. It seemed as if more people were paying attention than in previous years, probably because less than five months later, South Africa was to host the continent’s first World Cup. With South Africa as the backdrop, safety quickly became the topic du jour, and Angola became the international test run for a tournament in South Africa, a country that has some shared history, but otherwise has about as much in common with Angola as Mexico does with Jamaica.

And then the incident happened.

Gunmen opened fire on the Togolese team bus en route to the site of their opening match. Two members of the Togolese party and the Angolan bus driver were killed and several players suffered injuries of varying degrees. It was a tragic, shocking and thoroughly depressing situation. But so was the reaction in many quarters.

The South Africa pivot was immediate. See? I knew it was dangerous down there. The connections were made. Questions were asked. “AFRICA! is dangerous” was the underlying theme, which fits nicely with the panoply of go-to African characterizations: hungry, poor, backward, etc.

These types of lazy characterizations result in a loss of nuance, most criminally perpetuated by those who get paid to report and inform yet seem to have little insight or worry about the effect their lazy aggregation of thoughts and words might have on their audience. Hearing people say things like Angola shouldn’t have hosted the African Cup of Nations because of violence in Cabinda, or that South Africa had questions to answer because of violence in Angola makes it easy to recognize how simple it is to paint monolithic pictures of vast regions, and how these portrayals over time can subconsciously influence or reinforce readers’ ideas on topics that go well beyond sport-related banter.

There are real repercussions for this kind of laziness. Reinforced narratives can take decades, if not longer, to unpack and rectify. Short and long-term damage can be inflicted on economies, national image, and individual self-confidence. And the manifestations of these narratives travel. The narratives can be the source of frustration for foreigners and people with noticeable foreign affiliation in many countries who have to repeatedly contend with ignorant characterizations of their people and homelands. They can partially explain why you can hardly have a conversation about South Africa without getting the sense that people think the place is like Vietnam in the 1960s with a better domestic wine selection. They also can explain the reaction that too easily conflated Cabinda with Angola.

But to only highlight the ignorant is slightly unfair. For instance, there was a quick backlash against the uninformed portrayal of the attack in Cabinda. One appeared here, but they were everywhere, from Time Magazine to The Guardian to The Telegraph. The prevalence of rebuttals to the ignorance raises some interesting questions: Does a high rate of rebuttal reflect an initial lack of responsible reporting? Are there stories and nuanced characterizations to proactively tell on the front end to challenge some of these simplistic, reflexive notions that are still all too common? Outside the lines, do sports writers even have a responsibility to the environment that affords them a living?

Perhaps the African Cup of Nations can play a role in painting a more dynamic picture of a continent that is far removed, geographically and contextually, from so many around the world. With every tournament, more eyes are paying attention. The spectrum of stories to tell is endless, and the tournament writes many of the stories itself. Instead of repeatedly seeing Africans in conflict, we see them playing together. Northern Africans aren’t always involved in a tussle as we saw when Moroccan and Tunisian players attended mosque together prior to their opening match. We have seen imagery of players, often from a diverse spectrum of religions and ethnic groups, competing and celebrating as a collective. Sudan just made it out of the group stages. Sure, for good reason, Sudan has been the source of plenty of negative headlines over the years (Darfur and Sudanese President al-Bashir openly mocking his arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court come to mind), but when is the last time Sudan (not South Sudan) and anything pertaining to joy has been in the news? The beauty is there if you have an interest in seeing it, but it is almost as if we’ve been conditioned to look past it as if on a constant hunt for misery.

Sometimes hell is hell, but other times hell is just a sliver of reality. Sometimes you say a place is dangerous when only part of a place is dangerous. Sometimes you say there are no phones when there are few phones. But over time, the detail matters.

Recognizing the joy, camaraderie, dancing, and celebration that occurs in many parts of Africa doesn’t suggest that serious, often life-threatening issues should be minimized. Rather, it suggests that the portrayal of a massive continent should be as robust, diverse and inclusive as its population, and that beyond the scores and line-ups, there are an infinite number of honest stories to tell along the beauty-to-tragedy continuum. Constantly neglecting the beauty to focus on the never-ending tales of horribleness skews the senses to the extent that human interest stories can lose their humanity, a phenomenon that can make the need for detail and accuracy dissipate.

The African Cup of Nations is one of those rare, joyous windows into Africa with the potential to show another side of a dynamic continent. Perhaps that is because many of its players are now global personalities. Perhaps it is because we have more access than ever to the people who have been covering African soccer for years. Regardless of the reason, that window into the soul of the continent is a significant part of the reason why I love the tournament. It’s refreshing to see African joy and celebration projected in a space that is usually reserved for despair.

With that, I’ll leave you with a goal from Zambia’s upset of Senegal, which may have given us the best celebration of the tournament so far. I won’t provide any interpretation in the hope that the moment speaks to you organically. If you listen close enough it may say something. But at a minimum, I hope it makes you smile.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-xsnUGPAKc

And yes, it’s a thing. If you want to see it live, check out Zambia’s next game.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7Gvb7m_jPw

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African Cup of Nations Music: Gabon Gets An Anthem

Miriti Murungi — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 15:51:24 +0000

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhpyeLPcl1U

The 2012 African Cup of Nations (ACON) is about to jump off in Equatorial Guinea and Gabon in roughly 24 hours. I don’t know what to expect on the field so I won’t make any predictions. I mean I could take a couple of swings but does anyone really know what to expect out of the opening match between hosts Equatorial Guinea and Libya? We could be in for a tremendous spectacle with both sides having something to play for -- the hosts playing for pride on home soil, versus Libya playing for a nation that has recently gone through some, shall we say, explosive times.

If you’ve kept an eye on ACON qualifying or even read up on the tournament in the last couple of days, you know that many of the continent’s traditional powers didn’t qualify. But it’s the ACON, so it really isn’t that shocking. The lack of predictability is one of the tournament’s gifts. But if lack of predictability isn’t your thing, thankfully, there is still something for you to count on -- a new batch of beatery and magnificent imagery. In that respect, the ACON never disappoints.

For a taste of some of the flavor representing the 2012 tournament, try on WA WA WA for size, a track by the Zorbum All Stars -- an anthem for the Panthères du Gabon. It’s pretty hot. And hopefully it’s just a taste of future hotness to come from the motherland over the next few weeks.

Press play, and please do enjoy.

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Daily Banter – 1.18.2012

Clive Longbottom-Fellow, Esq. — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 06:44:43 +0000

Um, you should probably read this, especially if you have any interest in US Soccer or Major League Soccer. Basically, former USMNT player and Fox Soccer analyst Eric Wynalda gets all out of character and speaks his mind and pulls his punches at the recent NSCAA Convention in a lecture cleverly titled “Why Not US.” Go ahead. Don’t be embarrassed. As you’ll soon see, he isn’t.

Racism Insurance: The Cure to Football’s Problems

Clive Longbottom-Fellow, Esq. — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:51:52 +0000

Go overboard with the banter? Not culturally acclimated yet? Have teammates who uncomfortably and mistakenly think they are “down” with the people? Too old and weary of getting caught using antiquated words like “colored” or “boy” at the workplace?

Well, we’ve got a product for you.

Racism Insurance! The empowering, 21st century solution for the casual racist and prolific offender.

I know what you’re thinking. “Brilliant! Tell me more!”

Here’s how it works. You pay monthly premiums for your insurance, just like you would for car insurance. Except, you’ll be preparing for a different type of car wreck.

Pay no mind as we put the premiums into an account for short periods of time, and then bundle the premiums and sell them to institutional investors, who will repeat the process. We’ll worry about all that. No need to worry if there will actually be money on hand to pay out. That’s none of your concern. That’s our promise to you.

So what do you get? Simple. Peace of mind and limited liability.

You’ll know that an innocuous, insensitive slip up will not carpet bomb your life. We guarantee you’ll be able to sleep every night while our team of fixers, schooled in the art of credibility reconstruction, handle those who need to be handled. We know exactly who to confuse and how to confuse them. Accused of making a racist remark? We’ll march out a team of appropriately colored people to prove you’re no racist. In no time you’ll have black grandparents (which presumably, at least in one-drop countries, means you have a black parent), cousins, friends, co-workers, and, if need be, even a loose affiliation with a former rap group’s backup dancers. Your street cred will never be higher. For a small additional fee, we also provide dance lessons.

But there’s more!

No more cowering or biting your tongue. Liberate yourself, knowing you can drop as many “black c*nts,” “camel jockeys,” or other wildly creative slurs as you want. All because of the peace of mind that comes with your new racism insurance. Picking up a five match suspension? Well, flash your insurance card at your hearing, and don’t remember to flash those pearly whites for the paparazzi on your way out! We’ve already worked out arrangements with several top leagues. We have a crew of immigrants on stand by in various countries who will step in and serve suspensions while you continue playing!

Need t-shirts printed with your face and the word “free” on it? We have partnerships with some of the most progressive and stylish child labor camps in the world.

All this, for the same low premium!

So how do you get started? Great question.

Step 1: Shop online for a plan that fits your level of racism. Employers can subsidize costs if they have particularly problematic players. That’s right, group rates are available for both club teams and national sides! But this can be affordable for individuals as well. How will you know if this is the product for you or an employee? Start by asking two simple questions: (1) “When enraged, how low is [insured] likely to go on the verbal abuse scale?” And don’t be shy! (2) How much damage will being called a racist do to your career?

Step 2: Enter your information.* Your rate is not final until we receive a complete application. You will need to provide us with:

Every address since you emerged from the womb.
Native language
Additional languages (including level of proficiency)
Nationality
The names and numbers of every person of not your color in your cell phone.
The last 10 albums you’ve bought, and the percentage of lyrics you have memorized.

*Obviously, none of this information will be used in calculating your premiums.

Step 3: LET THE VERBAL ABUSE BEGIN!

The benefits are clear. No more stressing about saying how you really feel during those intense, intimate moments.

Product not available in Somalia, Luxembourg, and certain parts of Boston.

Coming Soon: Prone to slander the ladies? Enjoy the occasional Andy Gray/Richard Keys moment? Sick of not being able to oppress on the fly? Of course you are! Well you will enjoy our sexism insurance, hitting the market in 2Q 2012. Job security while belittling others is back, and better than ever. It’ll be just like the 1950s all over again.

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Nutmeg Radio Stuff Elsewhere

Miriti Murungi — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:54:18 +0000

Right.

There’s been some Nutmeg Radio-related stuff that’s done gone up elsewhere in recent times. Perhaps you’re not on the Twitter. Perhaps you just don’t care. And all that is fine. But, if you do, well, then I’m here for you.

Today, we joined forces with The Shin Guardian, a fantastic blog that primarily focuses on the game from a US soccer angle. The words over there take you on a journey into the future of US soccer. I know you’re all wondering what it’s going to be like. Well, go on, find out.

A while ago over at Run of Play, I wrote some words about Arsene Wenger, kung fu movies, and poisoned rice. You can find The Legend of Arsene Wenger at the excellent The Run of Play here.

Last, but certainly not least, I scribbled some things for The Free Beer Movement’s Why American Soccer Series. The series aggregates folks from the US soccersphere and shares their thoughts on US soccer. My contribution is semi-personal, but more about perspective, something that I believe is oft missing from our sporting conversations. Have a read.

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PODCAST: The Confessional Episode 2 – BETA (cont’d) feat. Futfanatico

Miriti Murungi — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 11:10:05 +0000

And here it is. Episode 2 of The Confessional. Joy, I know.

This week, James and I continue our marathon conversation with Elliott Tucker / Turner / Futfanatico / inspiration to FakeFutfanatico and FakerFutfanatico. What’s covered in this approximate hour of goodness? James is inspired by Sid Lowe, Pendergrass the lovable chimp is introduced, we talk ethnic stuff and US soccer, I attempt to tell Elliott how we really feel about “his people” before technology steps in and eliminates an honest moment, James reveals some childhood vulnerabilities that we attempt to exploit at the end of the hour, we learn a bit about Elliott’s book, An Illustrated Guide to Soccer and Spanish, including how you can acquire the book in its various forms, and then we just ramble for a few minutes about the Amish, Vinnie Jones as an Arsenal physio, and then try to figure out how to say bye. Simple enough.

What else. There’s some music involved belonging to Puerto Rican reggae band Cultura Profetica, and some strumming and such straight from the Catalan capital from the uber-talented Jarabe De Palo. If you enjoy these types of things, that should be enough information to start exploring their sounds. If you don’t care for these types of things, well, that’s on you. But if I can add one thing, you should be embarrassed of yourself.

Fantastic. Please do enjoy. And as always, all feedback, questions, comments, concerns, whether good, bad, ugly, romantic, schizophrenic, Mandarin, or otherwise, are always appreciated.

And finally a few quick plugs. Time spent at Elliott’s blog, Futfanatico.com, is time well spent. We highly recommend regular visits. We also allude to Elliott’s two part series on Fox Soccer about “his people” and related interesting things. You’ll find those here (Part I) and here (Part II). For the social media addicts and those who prefer their information in relative real time, James is on the Twitter at @UFJamesT, Elliott can be found at @Futfanatico, and why not do the @NutmegRadio thing, too. All the kids are doing it, at least that’s what we tell ourselves.

Enough of this. Hit play and enjoy.