Go overboard with the banter? Not culturally acclimated yet? Have teammates who uncomfortably and mistakenly think they are “down” with the people? Too old and weary of getting caught using antiquated words like “colored” or “boy” at the workplace?
Well, we’ve got a product for you.
Racism Insurance! The empowering, 21st century solution for the casual racist and prolific offender.
I know what you’re thinking. “Brilliant! Tell me more!”
Here’s how it works. You pay monthly premiums for your insurance, just like you would for car insurance. Except, you’ll be preparing for a different type of car wreck.
Pay no mind as we put the premiums into an account for short periods of time, and then bundle the premiums and sell them to institutional investors, who will repeat the process. We’ll worry about all that. No need to worry if there will actually be money on hand to pay out. That’s none of your concern. That’s our promise to you.
So what do you get? Simple. Peace of mind and limited liability.
You’ll know that an innocuous, insensitive slip up will not carpet bomb your life. We guarantee you’ll be able to sleep every night while our team of fixers, schooled in the art of credibility reconstruction, handle those who need to be handled. We know exactly who to confuse and how to confuse them. Accused of making a racist remark? We’ll march out a team of appropriately colored people to prove you’re no racist. In no time you’ll have black grandparents (which presumably, at least in one-drop countries, means you have a black parent), cousins, friends, co-workers, and, if need be, even a loose affiliation with a former rap group’s backup dancers. Your street cred will never be higher. For a small additional fee, we also provide dance lessons.
But there’s more!
No more cowering or biting your tongue. Liberate yourself, knowing you can drop as many “black c*nts,” “camel jockeys,” or other wildly creative slurs as you want. All because of the peace of mind that comes with your new racism insurance. Picking up a five match suspension? Well, flash your insurance card at your hearing, and don’t remember to flash those pearly whites for the paparazzi on your way out! We’ve already worked out arrangements with several top leagues. We have a crew of immigrants on stand by in various countries who will step in and serve suspensions while you continue playing!
Need t-shirts printed with your face and the word “free” on it? We have partnerships with some of the most progressive and stylish child labor camps in the world.
All this, for the same low premium!
So how do you get started? Great question.
Step 1: Shop online for a plan that fits your level of racism. Employers can subsidize costs if they have particularly problematic players. That’s right, group rates are available for both club teams and national sides! But this can be affordable for individuals as well. How will you know if this is the product for you or an employee? Start by asking two simple questions: (1) “When enraged, how low is [insured] likely to go on the verbal abuse scale?” And don’t be shy! (2) How much damage will being called a racist do to your career?
Step 2: Enter your information.* Your rate is not final until we receive a complete application. You will need to provide us with:
- Every address since you emerged from the womb.
- Native language
- Additional languages (including level of proficiency)
- Nationality
- The names and numbers of every person of not your color in your cell phone.
- The last 10 albums you’ve bought, and the percentage of lyrics you have memorized.
*Obviously, none of this information will be used in calculating your premiums.
Step 3: LET THE VERBAL ABUSE BEGIN!
The benefits are clear. No more stressing about saying how you really feel during those intense, intimate moments.
Product not available in Somalia, Luxembourg, and certain parts of Boston.
Coming Soon: Prone to slander the ladies? Enjoy the occasional Andy Gray/Richard Keys moment? Sick of not being able to oppress on the fly? Of course you are! Well you will enjoy our sexism insurance, hitting the market in 2Q 2012. Job security while belittling others is back, and better than ever. It’ll be just like the 1950s all over again.
