Ay yo, Lando, tell ‘em the truth / He’ll still end up polishin’ boots – Candyman, “Polishin’ Boots Remix”
If U.S. Men’s National Team players were rappers. No, that’s it, if they were rappers. One shouldn’t read this expecting the tired comparisons where white people are required to resemble white people and brownish people need to resemble other brownish people. Rather, we’re doing this based on character traits. Is there an MC who is a better rapper stunt double for the players selected below? Let us know! And remember, characteristics, not appearance.
Will Smith aka The Fresh Prince (Tim Howard aka Timmaaay)
“On the playground is where I spent most of my days / Chillin out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool, and shootin’ some b-ball outside of the school / When a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood / I got in one little fight and my coach got scared, and said you’re moving to Manchester.”
Damn, that’s harsh. Innit. But if anyone can handle it, it’s this guy. He’s as versatile in his position as anyone. Ali, Six Degrees of Separation, Summertime – he’s the complete package. But on the way to the top, he was doubted at every turn. Fortunately, he is a humble man, and his humility has allowed him to focus on proving his doubters wrong. Now look at him. He’s the number one guy in the box.
Mix-Tape Song: Fresh Prince of Bel Air Theme Song
Common (Carlos Bocanegra)
“My style is too developed to be arrested / It’s the freestyle, so now it’s out on parole / Fulham tried to hold my soul in a holding cell so I would sell / I bonded with a break and had enough to make bail.”
This laid back character is never scared of testing out new territory. When it’s time to move, he doesn’t hesitate to change it up. He can do it in various positions. He’s always dependable and never flashy. No bling, no craziness. Just a quiet leader always ready to lead the team into battle and ready to spit fire when called upon.
Mix-Tape Song: Resurrection
Asher Roth (Jay DeMerit)
“Now if everybody would please / Put their drink as high as they can / As high as they can (As high as they can) / And repeat after me / WISCONSIN! WISCONSIN! BEER, BEER, BEER!”
Where did this dude come from? This relatively new kid on the block came up and before you knew it, he was on the VH-1 Hip Hop Awards hanging around guys who not too long ago wouldn’t have been caught dead in the same city, let alone the same room as him. But he’s won over plenty of doubters, making a pretty penny along the way. He keeps it plain, simple, and is willing to fight with anyone within reason to make his name. From no where to playing at the highest level, just like that. Whether you like his style or not, his rise in the game is impressive.
Mix-Tape Song: I Love College & Leinenkugels (It’s the remix)
Canibus (Oguchi Onyewu)
“Straight clippin’, from DC to Great Britain / And when he shows up, he makes the Queen pay admission.”
Ignore the size, pay attention to the intimidation. He’s a beast of a man, capable of crushing challengers. In a battle, as he’s shown in the past against players with great pedigree, he will take you out. But with huge expectations on his shoulders, he’s faltered at times. But unquestionably, the talent is there. Whether he can summon his strength and meet his potential remains to be seen. He’s not a young buck in the game, but in his position, he’s got a few years ahead of him; if he wants it bad enough, that is.
Mix-Tape Song: Buckingham Palace
PM Dawn (Steve Cherundolo)
“A careless whisper from a careless man, a neutron dance for a neutron fan / marionette strings are dangerous things, I thought of all the trouble they bring / An eye for an eye, a spy for a spy, rubber bands expand in a frustrating sigh”
Um, what? I don’t know what he does, but a lot of people like this dude. There aren’t too many people follow him openly, but he’s got to have some obsessive supporters out there. Although, he likes to lay back in the cut, we’ve noticed a few things that we can share. He’s techincal, soft, reliable and perhaps bigger in Europe than he ever was in the States. And he’s huge in Hannover, Germany, just like Hasselhoff and 99 Luftballons.
Mix-Tape Song: Set Adrift on a Memory Bliss (and yes, I’m aware PM Dawn is a group, I just happen to not care very much)
Wyclef Jean (Landon Donovan)
“Every time I make a run, you turn around and cry / I ask myself why, oh why / See, you must understand, I can’t work a 9 to 5 / So I’ll be goooone … for the season / Said I’ll be gone for the season, I’ll be gone for the season / Yo, tell my girl, I’m on loan for the season / January, February, March, April, May / I see you cryin’, but girl, I can’t stay”
Started off with a bang, coming up with one of the most talented crews around. Then he broke out to do his own thing, showing that he was good enough to do it on his own. A poster child for a new generation, he picked up the torch for a new stylish way of playing. Lots was expected of him. But periodic flashes of brilliance sprinkled with anonymous appearances raised questions, whether valid or not. But it’s time to show that he can focus and show that he can be the player we all want him to be.
Mix-Tape Song: Gone ‘Til November
Redman (Michael Bradley)
“Time for some, time for some action! Let’s get ready for Red Cards!!”
He’s a feisty one, isn’t he. Brash, ready to beat you down and then get in your face, it’s no surprise that he’s the guy most likely to get kicked out of a venue. But he also might be the guy you just can’t afford to leave behind for the same reasons. Let’s just hope that he can walk the tightrope and can turn in a masterpiece instead of being sent away for poor behavior. Either way, he’ll be ready to rumble.
Mix-Tape Song: Time for Some Action
Rakim (Maurice Edu)
“I don’t bug out or chill or be actin’ ill / No tricks since ’06, it’s time to build / Mo B easy on the cut, no mistakes allowed / ‘Cause to me, ME means move the crowd”
He’s always been in demand. Ever since he was a young’un. He’s steadily climbed the ladder from underground to a rung where he’s recognizable, at least to those paying attention. But he’s certainly not a commercial success in the same way as some of his contemporaries. Can he break through that glass ceiling? Only time will tell. But he had me at dun, duh, dun, duh … dun, dun, duh (that’s the beat from Eric B. is President if you couldn’t tell).
Mix-Tape Song: Eric B. is President
Scarface (Clint Dempsey)
“Everyday it’s been the same old thang on my block / Ya either workin or ya slangin stanky legs on my block / Ya had to hustle, cuz that’s how we was raised on my block / And ya stayed on ya hop until ya made you a shot.”
No one really expected this Texas native to turn into the player carrying the weight and to have been the biggest catalyst for the game in Texas since George Bush … no, bad example, whatever, you get my point. The man has already broken down doors when no one probably ever expected him to be in the house. But when you hustle on his block, you can make it happen. P.S. – Some people think he’s a horrible rapper, but I’ll let you and your people on your block be the judge.
Mix-Tape Song: On My Block
Drake (Jozy Altidore)
“The young kicker that everybody in here fear / A lot of ya’ll are still soundin’ like last year / This game needs change and I’m the [expletive] cashier.”
The young buck stuck his head in the room, showed a bit of talent, and was quickly anointed the future. But was it a bit premature? His raw ability, especially in comparison to his domestic peers, is unquestioned, but he’s struggled to make the case that he’s the real deal. Is the quality there? Only time will tell. He’s young, he played more this year than last, and hopefully he shows another level in the near future — like on Saturday. He looks to have the mental fortitude to be here for a while. But the same thing is said about many who eventually disappear.
Mix-Tape Song: Successful
Kool Herc (Herculez Gomez)
Really, nothing needs to be said here. The coolest nickname around, just cause it fits. Kool Herc, changin’ the game since collard greens. Um, yeah … that doesn’t make any sense.
Think another MC is a better fit? Drop a verse below. And these are the breaaaaks, break it up, break it up, break it uuuuup.
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