The World Cup is over. Carlos Puyol is a world champion but still refuses to get a haircut. Africa’s first World Cup has ended without any of the players falling prey to lions and tigers like in Kenya, or polar bears or unicorns for that matter. As far as we know, Jacob Zuma hasn’t married anyone else and the universe is still in decent running condition, not great, but decent.
In celebration of the previous month of almost non-stop soccer, we’ve decided to roll out a few World Cup Oscar Awards. We’ve left out the US because the homeland deserves its own set of awards. So rest of the world, here you go.
Best Team Entrance
Without question, the award goes to Bafana Bafana. Marching towards the field in their opening game against Mexico, you could tell who was coming through the tunnel before you saw anyone. With a distinctly South African sound, Bafana Bafana did their best to drown out the vuvuzelas with this rousing tune (dance steps included):
Best Actor
Arjen Robben. Who else? Sure, some might remember Robben’s World Cup for his darting runs forward or his mesmerizing ability to take on entire teams with one foot. But it wouldn’t be difficult to remember his displays on the world’s biggest stage for his incomparable acting ability inspired by his idol, Greg Louganis. Feigning injury is an art. And Arjen Robben is Picasso, part genius, all drama.
Best Celebration
Could it be a tie? We had a hard time with this category. It came down to two entrants. South Africa and Slovenia. South Africa for Siphiwe Tshabalala’s first goal of the tournament, which was not only synchronized, but also historically important as the first goal in Africa’s first World Cup, fantastically scored by a South African. Slovenia simply because they had the most awesomely awkward celebration maybe in the history of organized sport. So South Africa and Slovenia, I hope you can learn to share because you are co-winners and have no choice but to do so.
Best Villain
With 8,000 fouls, Mark Van Bommel, you get the award for the most hated villain of the tournament. But let’s be fair here. Van Damme … I mean Van Bommel did the dirty work that every team needs, miraculously staying on the pitch by, as he claims, befriending referees. Junior villains, take note. If you want to rough it up on the world’s biggest stage, it pays to be nice to the man in charge. Small talk can get you far.
Nigel De Jong, Van Damme’s midfield partner was a close second in the voting. De Jong apparently watched his partner in Bloodsport prior to the final. Where else would he have gotten the inspiration to jump kick Xabi Alonso in the chest?That was inspired evil. A tackle so bad, I don’t even think we can call it a tackle.
Best Impromptu World Cup Fan Celebrations
Come on down, Argentina! If you happen to be at a World Cup match featuring Argentina and happen to be near some Argentines, be sure to follow them right after the match like we did. This is what you’ll see before you leave the stadium. And it will go on for more than an hour. That, I can assure you. And be sure to keep your eye out for the Budweiser bottle in the first clip. Crafty, crafty Argentines.
Most Creative Fans
South Korea, South Korea, South Korea. If you saw our earlier post about the White Album of flags, you’ll know why South Korea wins this hands down. Here’s a quick picture to remind you of the level of creativity that South Korean fans brought to South Africa, but to get the full dose, check out our earlier post.
Player of the Tournament
It would be easy to go with Iniesta, Forlan, Jabulani or that wretched octopus. But this one goes to the vuvuzela, that snazzy little plastic horn that has terrorized ears and frustrated pundits around the world for the past month. I must admit, most things that dominant cultures find annoying make me smile. I mean how can you truly dislike anything that drives cranky, old Englishmen crazy. The vuvuzela is the one player in South Africa that consistently dominated the opposition. And perhaps other than Forlan, in 20 years, I submit that the stand out player of the 2010 World Cup will be the vuvuzela. Vuvuzela, all the kids are doing it.
Best Technician
Suppose I told you about a player so technically proficient that he could juggle with bubble gum, literally. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mesut Özil, the young German virtuoso who took South Africa by storm. The trickery in the video below might not be sanitary, but it’s cool, like Don Johnson and Billy Dee Williams cool. We don’t need Nostradamus to tell us that we’ll be seeing a lot more from this gum juggler in the future. Yes, gum.
Cristiano Ronaldo Self-Love Award
This award goes to the team captain that would rather shoot from midfield than pass to a teammate who also happens to play professionally. Congrats, Cristiano. It’s yours. Next.
Best Former Colonizer
Step aside England and France, with your washed up former colonial selves. Barcelona … I mean Spain is the new, former colonial champion. While it’s true that Les Blues and the Three Lions were already wavering, their lack of invention in South Africa, compounded with a slew of other problems, ensured that their colonial legacies will remain just that, legacies for the foreseeable future. Enter Spain, with the swagger of a colonizer, not saying much, while taking over vast swaths of territory with slick passing movements. While people focused on their inability to score in South Africa, Spain focused on results. Controlling the match was always the priority, but when it came to conquer, the Spaniards were ruthless. But a warning for the people: Keep an eye on your valuables (as Arsene Wenger will quickly tell you) because those those active in the colonization industry enjoy playing mind games to convince you to part with prized possessions. All I’m saying is, keep your eyes on your stuff.
Most Inspirational Pitch
Certainly not Port Elizabeth’s Nelson Mandela Stadium that looked like the golf course from Caddyshack. Soccer City or Ellis Park? Nope. We’re going with the soccer field at Robben Island. Even though the pitch is no longer used (thankfully), this field on the prison island that used to house Nelson Mandela and countless other political prisoners during apartheid served as a brief sporting refuge from the daily horrors of prison life.
And just in case you were wondering what the prisoners were fed, here are the meal allocations, of course broken down by race:
Some people refuse to have any perspective when it comes to judging the World Cup, choosing to see everything as simply a sporting event. Beyond sport, Africa’s first World Cup is truly an amazing story, considering that not too long ago, South Africans were living in a world that most people only read about in history books. Perhaps this is a sobering point to end the Oscars, but this should be a point to celebrate, rather than to mourn.
Congrats to South Africa for a great World Cup. I hope you all enjoyed the show. Please do come again. Stay tuned for the aftershow …
As much as Robben does dive, I think it should be noted he didn’t go down during his 2nd breakaway in the WC final. That would have been a penalty and probably a red for carles…Just wanted to point that out…
Nigel, very true. The one time he really should have gone down, he didn’t. But when he did, he was excellent.